Communicating With A Narcissist = NO ENGAGEMENT

Communicating With A Narcissist: Using The Narc Decoder

I just came across this article by Tina Swithin and had to share… so true!  This describes every conversation with my ex in the shortest manner, yet perfect accuracy… Wow

While divorce is generally riddled with varying degrees of conflict, divorcing a narcissist will take the conflict to heights that few can comprehend. People who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are incapable of compromise and they are overcome with the need to win. This is obviously a bad combination in divorce court.

After spending almost four years in a high-conflict divorce, I’ve learned how to communicate in a way that allows me to maintain my sanity. Communication with a narcissist is best described as “crazy making” because narcissists are known to reinvent reality to suite their personal agenda. Leading psychiatrist Dr. Carole Lieberman, M.D.weighed in on the topic to further explain the mindset of a narcissist: “Since narcissists believe that the world revolves around them, or that it should, they think they can reinvent reality and no one should question them. Even though they know that what they’re writing or saying is stretching the truth, they think that they are so clever about it that they will fool the recipient into going along with them.”

Narcissists thrive on evoking both reactions and emotions from their victims. In the beginning stages of my divorce, I would dread opening my email account and cringe at the mere sound of a text message. Both means of communication became avenues for attacks or narcissistic rages. As a narcissist who was set on winning and hurting me at all costs, my ex husband thrived on creating unrest. As I became educated on this personality disorder, I began to repair the cracks in my foundation and I became increasingly empowered as I healed through education. I began to take the power back and I chose to be a survivor versus a victim.

Over time, I began to see through the emails and instead of angst, I felt pity. I started to re-write the emails to reveal the true nature of my ex-husband’s words. I took it a step further and added humor to the situation by creating something that I affectionately refer to as the “Narc Decoder”. This device is patent pending and can analyze and decipher the most cryptic and bizarre narcissistic emails. In an effort to demonstrate how the Narc Decoder works, I will insert the following email that I received this year:

Tina- None of the men in my family have committed an act of harm towards a woman. It’s just delusional that you have such fear of me. I have previously thought about having the exchange at the Police Department. The police department is scary setting for the children and there is no reason for it. When I was a kid Police made me nervous. You think after you’ve dragged me to court for three years over nonsense and exaggerations, I would risk yelling at you or harming you, it’s just preposterous Tina. I am not going to do anything to hurt you. I will compromise and agree to meet you at the park. – Seth

In the past I would have sat down and tried to reason with my ex-husband by citing examples of his behavior that caused me concern. I would have explained why I felt more comfortable meeting at the police station and reminded him why we’ve had so many court dates. I would have spent entirely too much time and energy attempting to create sanity out of insanity. Sometimes I want to travel backwards in time and shake some sense into the old me.

“Snap, fizzle, pop” is the sound I hear as the email is processed through the Narc Decoder and within moments, I have the reading:

Tina- I have not yet created an act of harm towards a woman but I am starting to worry about the fact that three different women have now testified that they live in fear due to my instability, stalking and passive aggressive threats. Since I have had multiple run-ins with law enforcement over the past ten years, police make me nervous and cause increased anxiety. I would prefer that we do not meet near a police station. Thank you, Seth

The rule when dealing with a narcissist is simple but critical: no engagement. Similar to a drug addict, narcissists need to derive emotion from their victims. While co-parenting with a narcissist does not allow for the no-engagement rule, all communication needs to be limited and entirely free of emotions. Communicating with a narcissist is like running on a hamster wheel. You can wear yourself out to the point of exhaustion yet you never left point A.

The recommended response to the above email is short and sweet: “We will see you at the court ordered meeting location at 9am.”

Sociopaths, Sex, Power and Control

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Even though I have been a bit off the grid or keeping things a bit generic lately, I am going to get a bit more personal today since this information “cannot be used against me in a court of law” (hahaha).
I read blogs on Sociopaths and Narc’s whenever I can find the time and the strength within me to actually get through some of the cold, hard truths that I am still struggling to understand at times.
This particular article really got to me for some reason.. maybe all the twisted memories I still battle with? It compelled me to write a bit of my own story, and I’m attaching the article that sparked it below. 

After this post, I’m even more in ‘awe’ of similarities between Sociopaths and how predictable the behavior truly is once you see it from another perspective. 
I didn’t actually read the article below completely through until AFTER I typed out my own memories, thoughts and feelings I recall having when it came to Sex, Power and Control with the Sociopath I wish I could forget. 

The drama of everything I am still going through will come out on here one day very soon.. until then I will just keep documenting information with unpublished posts and hope that they help my own personal battles within just by getting it all out in writing.

Being involved with a sociopath on any level is so difficult to look back at in hindsight 
Sexually, there was nothing romantic, sexy, encouraging, thoughtful or about ME (unless we’re talking about how horrible and disgusting he made me feel afterward). 
In fact he made me feel like I wanted to become a-sexual after we were done. After I left him, I was so fine with just being alone, caring for my kids and never looking at another male after the way I was used as an object and not loved as a person… numb to male attention, touch, sexual references… that is what I learned feel…
Slowly the yearning for positive male attention came back, but it was all wrong. I craved to be told all the things my ex did not tell me. He never said anything positive about how I looked, I was never as smart as him, as good as him at anything and NOT A CHANCE IN HELL could I be near as pretty as ANY other female. Whether we’re talking about TV stars, Movie stars (G & XXX Rated – that was the worst.. I was NEVER as good as his porn women… ), models in magazines… Not even the chick at the bar across from our table or the hottie waitress that was getting him a beer. 

Being involved with a Sociopath is completely different from the start though
I cannot be completely truthful if I don’t admit that at first it was exciting…
This man broke all my “rules” (smoked, drank too much, rebellious, already had two young children from two different moms, was the ‘bad boy’ at the office, the married guys were always daring him to do dirty/naughty stuff (like video him and a random woman in Mexico having sex during a ‘work outing’ and sharing it with everyone in the office, it even made it into my hands AFTER I moving in with him), I’m pretty sure he had already had sex with 75% or more of the women we worked with at the time (I did not know the extent of that either when I moved in with him), he was always bringing very hot chicks into the office to show off before ‘lunch dates’… I was so naive that when he told me one was a nurse I believe him… nope… she was a stripper… but she played a nurse on stage(?!)
In the beginning he was always very spontaneous when it came to sexual situations, fun trips, exciting surprises, etc… But quickly sex turned into feeling more like a ‘convenience’ for him because I just happened to be the warm body nearby. And if that ‘convenience’ was not so convenient… I’m pretty sure the neighbors from 10 houses down could hear the doors slamming and hear him take off on his motorcycle to ‘blow off steam’ for a few hours (who knows where… but he had a built in babysitter stuck at the house, so it was all good). 

The first year
I became so sick that the doctor wanted to hospitalize me due to my continuous relapses of pneumonia and inability to take a break. That was NOT an option to my ex. He and his boys “needed me” home… He made it sound like he really ‘needed and wanted’ to be with and near me. Even had his 5yr old make me sweet cards and such.. Hindsight: Well, of course! Who else was going to babysit the boys and be there for sex when he finally came home from his nights out? 
The reasons I was so sick for so long are so clear now… watching a 5yr old constantly, 3yr old part time, having to ‘get it together’ to attend a couple weddings out of town & cleaning house to keep up with all the bbq’s and friends he invited over. 
And of course being woken up at all hours when he finally came home from his own outings and his demands of sex… I am unsure where all these outings took place, but I do know he loved to frequent strip clubs and I’m sure he was out with other ladies that may not have gone all the way with him… so he came home to take it out on me. 

Saying “No” to sex was never an option
At any time… regardless of the situation, illness, exhaustion, you name it = his infantile state coming out… slamming doors, leaving the house and then coming back, telling me how he could have anyone (and giving examples of women he worked with, met out at bars, etc.. ), how lucky I am to have someone like him to let me be in his home (he encouraged me to quit my job due to illness) when he could had any woman he wanted, but he CHOSE ME because he loves me so much and can’t imagine allowing anyone else to care for me, etc…. etc…. and a ton more BS lines after that that probably had to do with his 5yr old because he knew we had a very tight bond. 

Of course after the rage,he would apologize… (me in tears, which he always said I faked). He constantly told me that if I would just be more open and willing to accept, love and understand his sexual needs, we wouldn’t have to be in this situation. He equates sex with love and if I do not accept him… then he feels I don’t love him… (ummm…. damn I want to hit my younger self in the head with a friggin’ hammer just recalling these situations… idiot). 
How did this suddenly become about him? Poor guy… he NEEDS sex to feel loved… I was so cruel, right? 

Get married and add pregnancy
I know… WTF was I thinking?! 

After trying for 6 months, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.
Suddenly… I became completely undesirable to him. He told me that he was no longer attracted to me because of how “fat” I had become. He analyzed more and thought maybe it was because he saw me as a “mother”. Whatever it was, he was successful at making me feel like a disgusting human being.
Of course that didn’t stop him from wanting to have sex with the “fat, pregnant girl”… It just allowed him a good excuse when he was unable to ‘keep it up’ due to how disgusting he said I looked (when in fact he was just drunker than drunk and could hardly stand).

When I had complications during pregnancy and the OB said ‘no sexual activity’, I literally asked the doctor to WRITE IT DOWN ON THE PAPERWORK, because I knew (my soon to be) ex would not have believed me and would have forced it anyway. 

Then I felt like a useless piece of meat since he now had NO reason to be home. He was gone all of the time “playing pool” and I was home with 1 or 2 boys (depending on if we had my other stepson), on bed-rest and had my parents and girlfriends (3-4 of them) bringing me and the boys lunch and/or dinner, in addition to being on ‘alert’ in case my contractions became enough that I needed to get to the hospital and my ‘husband’ was too drunk to drive me (I did spend 2 nights there once and wow did I ever get hell for that…. as if I did it on purpose??). 

Baby was born only a few weeks early.. she was and is perfect… 
Now the issue was that I had to wait a few weeks to have sex due to infections that could happen, etc…. So of course this was a problem. After he explained that his ex wife and him didn’t wait even a week, so it’s all just doctor BS, his next comment: well, you can give me a blowjob now, right? (Now that I wasn’t pregnant, my ‘gag’ reflex was gone…so guess that was fair game! Who cares if the baby is screaming because she is hungry??). 

First comes baby and guess who’s been cheating?
I forget now (I’m sure it’s in another post) if it was 3 weeks after my baby girl was born or 6 weeks? But I found an email PURPOSELY left open from a woman who lived within 30min of us. The details are fuzzy now except for the sentences: “Congrats on your baby girl! Are you and your wife still having sexual problems? You know I’m still willing and able to help you out with that like before, call me and we’ll work it out.”

SEXUAL PROBLEMS?! First of all – WTF are you doing discussing our supposed ‘problems’ with another woman and since when is pregnancy and childbirth a sexual ‘problem’???! 
I was FURIOUS. I didn’t know what to do. I packed up my new baby and a few things and I was leaving for my parent’s house. 

Manipulation… somehow it was my fault?
Some how, some way… he convinced me not to leave. He sent an email to this woman in front of me, explaining that he was breaking it off because he didn’t want to lose his marriage. 

Any person in their right mind knows that all he had to do was email, call, text her a minute, day, week later and say he had to do it because I saw the email (she knew he was married obviously). But for some reason I was not in my right mind due to exhaustion, confusion, his disgusting ability to make me believe my thoughts and feelings were always wrong… 
It still sickens me to this day knowing that I fell for that crap. 
Again… if I was just more loving and accepting… he wouldn’t have to look anywhere else. 
Seriously… hit me with a damn hammer already. 

After that…. I can only describe feeling like just a “hole” for him to get his sexual aggression out (I voiced that feeling and wow what a fight that was). 

If I cried during because it hurt or because he did it anyway after I said “no”, he would finish (of course) and then tell me that I made him feel like a jerk… (seriously). 

“No” to sex was not an option.
Exhaustion was no excuse – After a full day of 2-4 children, one or two were infants during those last years together plus getting up all night {not once did he get up for the babies or older children if they were sick.. not ONCE}. I was always in ‘Zombie Mode’ to feed/change babies.
Sickness was no excuse, especially because he claims I was ‘sick all the time’ = Exhaustion + two to four kids & germs + stress, Yes, I felt sick more than I felt well. 
Those ‘zombie mode” nights were what he seemed to live for… because I was somewhat awake, it was obviously an opportune time for me to “show him how much I love him” by having sex… again… and honestly I was just too tired to even fight him off. I got to the point of “if I just lay here, it will be over in a minute and if I fight him, he will make sure it hurts like hell, so just let it be over”. 

These are just a FEW of the many awful memories that were brought up for me when I read this article. It comes from Donna Andersen, author of Lovefraud.com: 

Most Lovefraud readers are here because you were, or are, romantically involved with a sociopath. Usually romance leads to sex, although you may have noticed that sex with a sociopath isn’t particularly romantic.

The sex may be exciting, erotic and adventurous. But if you’re looking for a true connection, the “sacred conjunction,” you’re not going to find it with a sociopath, and here’s why:

Power, control and sex

According to Dr. Liane Leedom, sociopaths want three things in life: Power, control and sex. Often, sex is simply an extension of their desire for power and control.

The most egregious cases of sex-as-power, of course, are sexual assault and rape. But there are other examples that aren’t as violent or obvious.

My ex-husband, James Montgomery, liked to have sex after we argued. I later figured out that Montgomery, with his superior debating skills, usually won the arguments, and I lost. This meant that he dominated the discussion, and therefore, me, which was sexually exciting to him.

So it wasn’t make-up sex. He was adding physical domination to the verbal and psychological domination of winning the argument.

Excess testosterone
All sociopaths, both male and female, have very high levels of testosterone. This is the hormone that makes people compete for partners and then mate with them. So with high testosterone, sociopaths do a lot of competing and mating.

Being in a relationship doesn’t stop this. Almost all sociopaths cheat.

High testosterone is also associated with aggression and criminality. When high testosterone and a high level of sociopathy combine with deviant desires, the end result can be a very dangerous individual — a violent sexual predator.

Need for excitement
Sociopaths crave stimulation and excitement. Sex is about the most stimulating activity that a human being can experience, so they want it. A lot.

And what, exactly, do they want? Variety.

This means sociopaths like sex in a lot of different ways, a lot of different places, and with a lot of different people.

While you are their object of desire, your encounters may seem highly erotic. But sooner or later, the sociopath gets bored. Then, in search of more stimulation, the sociopath may push you to participate in activities that you find uncomfortable.

If you decline, the sociopath will most likely look for new partners — especially partners who are willing to go along with his or her desires.

But even if you go along with the sociopath’s new demands, he or she will likely still look for new partners. Sociopaths see no need to remain faithful to one person.

Eventually, when all of their past activities become boring, the sociopath may pursue the taboo.

Sex as manipulation
Sociopaths know that if they can hook you sexually, you are easier to manipulate.

Here at Lovefraud, we’ve written frequently about oxytocin, nature’s “love glue.” Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter that makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and alleviates fear and anxiety. Oxytocin is released into your bloodstream and brain when you experience intimacy — especially sex.

So when you have sex with someone, because of the oxytocin, you bond with your partner. You become more trusting with that person, and therefore more malleable.

Oxytocin does not affect sociopaths like the rest of us. They don’t bond — it’s speculated that they don’t have the necessary oxytocin receptors.

So what happens when you have sex with a sociopath? You bond, and the sociopath doesn’t. You become more likely to comply with what the sociopath wants, whereas the sociopath just keeps pursuing his or her agenda.

Read more here:

Oxytocin, trust and why we fall for psychopaths

Straight, gay or sex with anyone

Several times, I’ve appeared on the “Straight Wives – Gay Men” radio show, hosted by Bonnie Kaye (most recently on February 9, 2014 — listen on the Lovefraud media appearances page).

Bonnie has heard from thousands of women who were shocked to discover that their husbands have been sexually involved with men. The women typically come to the conclusion that their husbands are secretly gay, and afraid to live their truth.

This is certainly true in some cases. But in many, many cases, the men were simply sociopaths looking for variety in their sexual pursuits.

I’ve also spoken with gay men and women who realized their partners were sociopaths. Many of them observed that these partners weren’t authentically gay.

The bottom line is that many sociopaths are neither straight nor gay — they will have sex with anyone.

For them, sex isn’t about attraction. Sex is just another manipulation technique to further their agenda.

Sociopaths and love
The core of sociopathy is an inability to love. Sociopaths cannot experience the human connection of love, the desire to take care of  the person that they love.

So what do sociopaths mean when they say, “I love you?”

Some know they are being manipulative, and are just mouthing the words to get what they want. But others equate sex with love. They think sex is love. They are essentially saying, “I want to have sex with you.”

Not out of control
Given a typical sociopath’s tremendous appetite for sex, and the desire for variety, you might come to the conclusion that sociopaths are out-of-control sex fiends.

Not necessarily.

Sociopaths can subjugate their sexual desires in the service of a larger agenda. For example, sociopaths are quite capable of withholding sex from their partners in order to keep them off balance.

And some Lovefraud readers have reported that their sociopathic partners aren’t interested in sex. (I do have to wonder, though, if the sociopath is getting sex somewhere else.)

As I said at the beginning of this article, sociopaths want power, control and sex. But they’re most interested in power and control.

Sociopath And Privacy

Wicked Survivor:

Perfectly worded… Amazing

Originally posted on SociopathLife.Com:

Privacy online

Sociopath’s and Narcissist are experts at hiding their true identities.  And because they are in a constant state of perpetual motion of keeping the ‘supply source’ going, they take advantage of every available avenue.

Some of these people will have online dating sites, other’s become involved with one (or more) people at work, still other’s can be out in any type of social setting to meet their next victim.  And there are other’s that use social media, ie: Facebook, SnapChat etc. The supply source is endless for people with  Antisocial Personality Disorder’s.

Since a sociopath  will have one or more of the above, there is a great need for privacy. So as to make sure we do not suspect, that they do in fact have one or more victim’s, they will go to great length’s to keep us in the dark. They will change their password’s constantly. Their cell phone…

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Dancing

His cycles

Wicked Survivor:

I’ve done the same— I am friends with a couple of his ex’s because only WE seem to “get” each other… Being the ‘crazy’ ones in his tangled web..

Originally posted on He Doesn't Love You:

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I made an interesting decision for myself last night.

I reached out to his ex girlfriend before me to see if what happened to me had happened to her.

Sure enough, it did.  It was like I was speaking with myself.  Shocking how similar our situations were, with the slight differences such as I lived with him vs. them having a long distance relationship.  She was so kind to me, and I could tell she empathized genuinely with what I had gone through.  I found out from her that there was overlap between my relationship with him and hers, and I apologized to her for any pain that may have caused her.  Even though I had no idea at the time and the pain isn’t mine to own, it was almost cathartic to say to her.  She was well versed with the twisted thoughts in his head, general lack of…

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When you focus on the sociopath…. you stop focusing on YOU!

Wicked Survivor:

Amazing… Are we all talking about the same person?! Wow…

Originally posted on Dating a Sociopath :

It had never occurred to me, to pay attention and to focus on me, and myself. I had naturally assumed that when in a relationship, that I would look after the other persons needs, and they would naturally take care of mine.

This was an assumption that would prove to be one of my biggest weaknesses. The sociopath thrives on the fact that people think this way. They know that most people are too trusting and that trust is often given to people that they do not know. They would have initially tested you at assessment stage, to see how trusting  and trustworthy you are. They do this by asking a series of questions, this appears at first to be genuine interest in you. It is nothing more than assessing you, to find out if you are offering what they want/need and how easy that would be to obtain.

Most…

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Smear Campaign

Wicked Survivor:

Word for word I have been living this for so long it’s disgusting.
Wish he would just move on and let us be happy…

Originally posted on SociopathLife.Com:

images A Smear Campaign is the epitome of a sociopath caring about absolutely nothing!
When the smear campaign begins with a sociopath and/or psychopath, it is an intentional, premeditated effort to discredit our reputation and character and quite simply, our total  being .  This premeditation is done in the same way a criminal puts into motion his act of crime. With a smear campaign, the sociopath strategically starts recalling all the things you have ever shared with him regarding your own personal experiences (ie: triumphs/failures), any and all things shared about people closest to you and so on. They then take this information and set out to destroy you emotionally and mentally and sometimes financially. If you have children (thankfully i did not), with a sociopath, they will also use the children to try and destroy you.

They do this for fear! Fear of being found out for what they truly…

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